Or would I start with "Dear Readers"? Do I still call this thing a diary even though it's on the internet? I really don't know how all this stuff works. All I know is that I'm required by The Mayor to write three of these things per year, so here goes...
Let me start by saying MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
It's been a weird past couple of weeks, loyal Internet Online Blog Diary Readers. First off, The Silly Goose went missing after Night Five of Hanukkah. I only knew this, because I spotted Mell-O Yell-O walking down the street wearing his goose goggles, which he apparently won from The Silly Goose in a high-stakes deride game.
This is the part that I should tell you, The Silly Goose has a couple major vices in life. Publicly, it's pretty well known that the man has a weakness for female villains, but behind the scenes, not too many people know just how bad his gambling addiction can be. Did you know he once lost a bet on a football game and as a result, we had to sit at a booth in some monster truck convention, signing autographs for six hours just to pay down his debt to The Money Wizard? Or the time he gambled away his sidekick position and I had to team up with Mouse Man for a month?
Anyways, I needed to find The Goose, because we were the guests of honor at the Atlas City Tree Lighting Ceremony this year. He wasn't answering his phone. He wasn't at his secret hideout, The Goose Nest. His buddy Evergreen had no idea where he was and of course, the key indicator that something was wrong, he's made absolutely zero booty-calls to Princess Elf in the past two weeks.
So, I asked The Monster to help me find the guy. I checked out all the underground gambling places, back room poker games, back alley dice games, secret cockfights, etc., while The Monster checked out all the standard places, like the horse track, strip club, and Turkish bath houses, even though... I am fairly certain... No, 100% certain, that The Silly Goose has never been to a Turkish bath house in his life. I think The Monster just wanted an excuse, if you know what I mean...
We had no luck finding Mr. Goose, so I decided to just bite the bullet and do the tree lighting ceremony with The Monster, hoping that The Silly Goose would resurface sometime after Christmas, with all of his fingers still attached. But then...
*crinkle* *smash* *smash* *crinkle*
One of the presents under the tree in Town Square started to shake and bounce around. I looked at The Monster with concern, but that big sap was shaking in his boots (well, okay, he was barefoot, but you get the expression, right?). I expected some evil reindeer-robot with a laser nose, or an army of evil toy making elves to pop out of the box and ruin Christmas for the whole city.
The sides of the box collapsed outward and the wrapped lid, complete with bow, went flying into the crowd, as The Silly Goose sprung from the box, much to everyone's surprise.
He was missing his cape, missing his mask, but he was wearing a Santa hat and his Silly Goose shirt and he definitely smelled unshowered.
"Surprise, surprise! Happy Christmas, you sexy citizens! Who got da eggnog?!?!" The Silly Goose shouted, being met by waves of applause from the crowd.
Of course he would do something like this. Freak out all of his friends for weeks, just so he could delight a crowd for five seconds. What a jerk.
We lit the tree, and passed out the presents underneath to the children in attendance. Things were starting to feel like the joyous and festivous occasion that Christmas should be.
"So, Justice," The Silly Goose said, in a sheepish tone. "You didn't get me anything for Christmas this year, did you?"
"I hadn't planned on it. Why?" I said.
"Because, I have an awesome idea for a gift from you to me. It's something I would put to great use."
"Oh really?" I said, suspiciously. "And what is that?"
"Well, know how some people need household appliances, or bathroom accessories, or socks?"
"Well," he said, hesitantly. "I could really go for... $8,240 to pay off my Pai Gow Poker debt to The Money Wizard. I don't know if all that cash could fit in a stocking, but I could certainly use it."
And then it dawned on me why he was actually hiding in the box. He wasn't trying to please a crowd. He was trying to hide from a sorcerer who specializes in ripping people off! And just like last time, I would be the one forced to pay his debt!!!!
I did what any well-mannered and well-intentioned partner to a superhero with a handful of vices would do... I kneed him as hard as I could, right between his ass cheeks, sending him flying into the crowd. So very satisfying.
I'll write the check tomorrow.
Love (or maybe "Sincerely"?),