Valentine's Day Disaster

by Johnny Craft

"I'm being unlawfully detained, just because this whole wretched city doesn't believe in love," Q-Pid said to me, from across the interrogation table.

Q-Pid was being locked up for being a nuisance on Valentine's Day.

"Are you jealous that I didn't force someone to love you, Lady Justice?" he continued. "Are you lonely?"

I was finally able to catch up with him on Seventh Street, using his super powers to make The Village Idiot fall in love with a bag of groceries.

This dumpy little dork was causing unlikely people to fall in love all over Atlas City. It incited chaos everywhere.

"Putting you away is for your own benefit," I said to him. "People want you dead. Miss Witch and Candy Girl hate each other. You forced them to make out in the mall. That's bad for your health, buddy."

"They needed to learn to love each other," he said. "We all need to learn to love each other."

"That doesn't mean we all need to dry-hump each other in public!"

Q-Pid, the match-making moron, has the power to make people lust over one another, mindlessly. King Caveman and Polar Bear were groping one another at the coffee shop; I saw Evergreen and Bird Bitch holding hands, walking down Main Street; and Acappella Phil was apparently kissing his reflection in a window downtown.

Everyone was under the spell. Even The Silly Goose was hit by it. Q-Pid forced him and the plump Donna Dominatrix to hook up with one another, in what seemed like a cruel joke against The Goose, who can regularly be seen wearing a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt.

"You know, I'm not normally into the big girls," The Silly Goose told me, after the spell was broken. "But, I gotta tell you, Justice, it was a pretty solid move on Q-Pid's part. I'm going back tonight."

Thankfully, all it took to break his curse was my swift Hand of Justice... firmly balled up into a fist and slamming him directly in the solar plexus.

"I broadened people's horizons," he smirked. "The Silly Goose would have never been into a BBW until I forced him to give one a shot. I gave powerless citizens a chance to be in love with super powered heroes. I'm not a bad guy. Love is good! I'm doing good!"

"Okay Q-Pid, for the sake of argument, let's say you made a few people's day. You shattered Goose's preconceived notions of body image. That's a plus. Maybe some of the people you paired up will even realize that they like each other and pursue something on their own freewill. Some probably just appreciated the opportunity to get laid."

"Now you get it!" he shouted.

"Buuuuuuuut," I continued. "What about the people that didn't want any part of it? What about the couples you didn't know about, that were ripped apart because you made their lover fall for someone else? What about the people that aren't interested in the complications that comes along with being forced together with a person? How do you expect them to rationalize or explain their actions?"

"Love is unpredictable."

"Wrong! You predicted all of it! They say you can't choose who you love and that is true, except YOU CAN and that's NOT OKAY! Don't you understand that's a choice that you're not allowed to make for other people?"

The iris of his eyes formed into a heart shape and he smiled.

"If I had my bow, Lady Justice, you would be mine right now."


I kicked him in the face and threw him in a jail cell.